There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
