She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
