In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
