I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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