I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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