took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
