just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
