I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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