Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
