I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize