I'm really into asian looking animals
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
