He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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