I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
