toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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