I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
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