You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
