So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
