Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
