Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
