I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
