i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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