If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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