She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
