I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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