I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
