GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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