When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
