You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
