Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize