Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
