Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
