Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
