He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
