im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
