Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
