fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
