Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
