his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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