i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
