They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
