i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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