some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
