My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize