My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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