haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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