But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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