and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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