Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
