My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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