Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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