I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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