i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
