life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
