Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
