My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I need a burrito and a hug.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
