Don't make out with my wife yet
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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