I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
