i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
