Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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