my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Randomize
