I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
