...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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